


Welcome to Year 27

by obvious_apostate



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Stolen Century arc, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, crack maybe?, nothing too serious here folks, tags will be updated as we go, that's the best tag i've ever seen, the closest i'll probably ever get to it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10989417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obvious_apostate/pseuds/obvious_apostate
Summary: It's Cycle 27: Our heroes find themselves in a friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while everyone pretends to sleep.(The crossover nobody asked for but I realised I absolutely needed.)





	1. Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the newest WTNV ep Joseph Fink mentioned the McElroys, so how could I _not_ try this.

The world that the _Star Blaster_ descends towards is hot. Hot, and dry, and bright. The desert stretches as far as they can see, the sun glaring off sand and forcing them to squint. Shrubs and cacti are scattered across the landscape, and not a lot else. 

“This might not be so bad!” Despite the unwelcoming surroundings, Barry sounds optimistic, and the mood is more or less shared by all of his companions. On the last planet they had been as successful as they could have hoped for - Light of Creation collected, no crew deaths, and they had prepared the world’s inhabitants as well as they could before the Hunger arrived. 

“It’s better than freezing our asses off for a year, that’s for sure,” Merle agrees, trying to get a better look at the flora below them as the ship continues to move towards the ground. “A bit desolate, though.”

A bit desolate, but not completely. They can see a couple different towns in the distance, connected by a long straight road - the same road they find themselves hovering over, about a hundred feet in the air when Davenport stops their descent. There are small figures spread out along the edge of the road, holding brightly coloured flags. Most of them are gesturing up towards the ship, and those of the group with sharper eyes can see one of them bring a small device up to his ear.

“We’ll have company soon,” Lup reports, watching the man speak although she can’t tell what he’s saying. 

“That can be dealt with momentarily, watch for the Light for now,” Davenport raises a hand over his eyes, trying to block out the sun, his eyes following the road as the rest of his crew spreads out along the deck.They have a routine by now, eyes in as many directions as possible with the hope that one of them will see the Light of Creation arrive on the new world. 

And they’re lucky, this time, because they do see it. The fast, bright streak of white is impossible for any of them to miss because it’s so close - it falls directly into the closer of the two towns. There’s an even brighter flash for a split second as it hits the ground, but no sound or movement, and then their surroundings look exactly as they did a moment before.

Magnus lets out a whoop and punches the air. “This is going to be an easy one!” He holds up a hand towards both Lucretia and Taako, who are on either side of him, and receives near simultaneous high fives. 

“Wish there was a beach though,” Taako glances around the scenery again, and nearly misses some movement in the distance, well away from the road. “Uh...guys? I think there’s someone down there in the sand, by that cactus. He’s holding...scissors?”

“Never mind that, the cavalry’s here,” Davenport points a ways down the road, and they can see several blue vehicles coming towards them. “Everyone listen up. With any luck, these people will be rational and listen to reason, and this will be a simple extraction. We’ll go with a diplomatic approach for now, but stay sharp, just in case.” He begins to bring the ship down again, landing on the road gently as the vehicles continue along to meet them.

Reasonable people and a simple Light recovery - that wasn’t too much to ask for, right?

~

_More exciting news, listeners!_

_Night Vale has visitors. And no, I don’t mean that streak of light that fell from the sky minutes ago. You know, the one that landed in The Vacant Lot Out Back of the Ralphs? The one that was quickly taken into custody by the Sheriff’s Secret Police and escorted to City Hall? It’s a shame they got to it so quickly, I know of at least one scientist who would have loved to get a look at it._

_Anyway, it’s not that - it’s a spaceship, out on Route 800! A real - and I assume tangible - spaceship! I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid._

_One of the traffic cops out on the road called it in, and Sheriff Sam is already on their way out to...greet...the newcomers. I’m sure we’ll be getting an update soon._

_More on this as time progresses - despite our best efforts. And now, a word from our sponsors..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mostly know how I want this to end up, but don't have a lot of solid plot points hammered out yet. I think it may actually end up being less of an actual story and more a series of 'what ifs'. There are soooo many what ifs and I'm very excited. Someone/thing/interaction you want to see? Let me know!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. When The Crew Meets Mayor Cardinal

The crew of the _Star Blaster_ had seen a lot in their near three-decades trip around the universe. Far worse than a desert and a small group of people driving vehicles that can't even fly. So they're hopeful, optimistic even, when they meet the town’s sheriff and police force. The latter are wearing dark balaclavas and the former is shouting at them through a megaphone, despite the fact they’re all standing only a dozen feet away. There’s something about ‘interlopers’ and ‘interrupting Poetry Week,’ but rather than question anything Davenport simply replies with his go-to opener they often use when arriving on a new planet.

“We’re not from around here - just travelers, if you will. We’re searching for an artefact that seems to have landed in your town, would we be able to speak with the head of your government?”

The sheriff lowers the megaphone from their mouth - much to the relief of everyone in a fifty foot radius - but seems to completely ignore Davenport’s little speech. “You coming back from the Blood Space War?”

“Um...no? Like I said, we -”

“You from Desert Bluffs?” Several of the police behind them raise short daggers at the mention of...whatever that was, and Magnus takes a step forwards. 

Davenport raises his hands quickly, gesturing for Magnus to back off as well as trying to convey his group is no threat. “No, we don’t even know where that is. We’re from...really, really far away.”

“How’d you get here?”

“Route 800...?” Davenport glances at the sign beside the road and tries his best to make it not sound like a question. The sheriff doesn’t look convinced so he sighs. “The truth is, I’m not entirely sure how, or why, we ended up _here_ exactly, but it has to do with that light that fell from the sky. We’re here to find that.”

The sheriff scoffs, gesturing for their officers to return to the vehicles. “Well why didn’t you just _say so_? Follow us.” And with that, they go back to their own car, leaving the group standing on the road.

“...wouldn’t it be nice if everyone we met took ‘we don’t know how or why we’re here’ as an acceptable answer?” Lup asks no one in particular. 

They return to their ship, still feeling relatively good about their chances of an easy pickup, and Davenport steers them towards the town, staying close to the ground as they follow the cars back the way they had come. There’s a sign on the outskirts of the town, giving them some idea of where they’ve ended up.

“Night Vale,” Barry reads out loud as they pass by. “That sounds nice.”

“Population: Undefined, unpredictable, unsettled,” Lucretia frowns a little at the rest of the sign. “Really...nice.”

It’s a short and surprisingly quiet trip into the town - they’re used to the _Star Blaster_ ’s presence causing a bit of commotion in more places they end up than not, but here most of the people they see don’t even look twice. Soon they arrive at a large building, surrounded by a neglected lawn and easily identified with huge letters spelling CITY HALL carved into the front of it. 

Merle and Barry are assigned to stay on the ship in case things take a turn for the worse, and the rest of the crew disembark. They make their way over to the sheriff who is standing near the building’s entrance, tapping a foot impatiently. “Come on, come on, you’d think I have nothing better to do than uphold the law around here...”

Lucretia opens her mouth, most likely to voice some sort of apology for keeping them waiting, but she falters when she notices what is placed on either side of the large double doors. “Are those...are those _children_?”

The sheriff barely looks at the glass cases - indeed, they seem to hold two young boys - and shrugs. “What else would they be? Let’s go,” they disappear inside and the others share uneasy glances. 

“This’ll be an 'easy one', right Mags?” Not even Taako is able to look completely unfazed, and he gives Magnus a little push forwards. 

“Right...” Magnus gives himself a little shake before pushing the doors open, and the others follow him inside. 

The building’s interior seems more or less normal, and the sheriff leads them up several floors to a simple door with a small, smart placard reading ‘Mayor.’ They gesture for the group to go inside. “No funny business now, we’ll know if we come back later and find the mayor missing or dead.” 

“Of course...” Davenport doesn’t know what else to say to that as they all file inside. 

The mayor’s office is tidy. Every paper seems to have a place, which is an impressive feat considering the sheer number of them covering the desk. There’s a shelf to one side holding numerous framed photos, and a small poster on the opposite wall advertising “Night Vale Community Radio.” The woman sitting behind the desk looks young - far too young to be holding such a high-ranking position, but she conducts herself with an authority they can tell was earned and not simply given as she stands to greet them. 

“Hello, I’m Mayor Cardinal. I don’t have enough seats for all of you, but feel free,” she gestures to the two chairs on their side of the desk. Davenport and Lucretia sit down, and the mayor does as well. “Now, please be honest with me. Are you from Desert Bluffs? You don’t need to be afraid, I won’t let Sheriff Sam run you out.”

“No, Mayor Cardinal, we aren’t from Desert Bluffs,” Davenport cuts straight to the chase this time, having decided it might not be so hard to convince these people of their actual mission after all. “We’re not from around here. We’re from...another reality, actually.” 

He pauses, and they wait to see the mayor’s reaction. She simply nods thoughtfully. “Ah, I see. Perhaps like The House That Doesn’t Exist at the Desert Creek housing development. So how did you end up here?”

And Davenport explains, as thoroughly as he can, and the mayor listens with the attentiveness of someone who actually believes him - something they haven’t encountered often. When he’s finished the story, she leans back in her chair and gives them all a long look before asking where they would like to park their ship. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow?”

She gives them a smile, and it seems genuine. “You can’t live in City Hall’s parking lot. We’ll give you the Light, but then you’ll need to wait the year out, won’t you? It’s not like you can leave.”

“That’s not a threat, is it?” Magnus asks. He had relaxed somewhat in the mayor’s office, they all had, but at those words he's back on high alert.

Mayor Cardinal laughs a little, and again it sounds genuine, rather than menacing or condescending. “No, just a fact. You could try, if you like. But you’ll end up back here and therefore need somewhere to live,” she slides a brochure across the desk, and Lucretia picks it up. It’s a tourism advertisement, opening up into a small map of the town, and the others crowd around her to get a look. “If anywhere in particular catches your eye, I’ll see what I can do.”

Magnus doesn't look completely convinced by her explanation, but he's already pointing at a spot on the map. “Could we stay at the dog park?”

She smiles at him patiently. “Oh, absolutely not. No one is allowed in the dog park.”

“Okay...not even dogs?”

“Especially not dogs.”

Lup points out another place. “Maybe near the library? That would be good for a lot of us, I think.”

“It wouldn’t be good for any of you if you wish to live through the year,” the mayor sounds so matter-of-fact no one even questions it for the time being. 

“Maybe near the waterfront recreation area?” Taako tries next, thinking of his wished-for beach.

“That would be fine, although I should let you know there’s no waterfront or recreation in that area.” 

“We’ll go wherever you think is best, mayor,” Lucretia knows a lost cause when she sees one, and closes the map. “We’re already very grateful for your understanding and cooperation.”

“Of course. Normally, all of this would have to be run by City Council as well, but they took off on a ‘vacation’ as soon as your Light landed in town. They probably won’t be back for a few weeks,” she writes down an address and hands it to Davenport. “Give this to the sheriff, they’ll show you the way. And, someone will be by later to go through your ship and belongings, to confiscate any contraband items. Just the regular things, like writing utensils and wheat products, I’m sure you understand.” 

The mayor stands again to shake each of their hands, all of them doing so with varying expressions of disbelief. “I think that will do for now. Welcome to Night Vale!”

~

_An update on the visitors to our little town._

_They are, in fact, not visitors at all now! These explorers from another world are Night Vale’s newest residents, and they’ll be receiving their mandatory New Citizen Welcome Packets and orange ponchos shortly. I know we’ll all do our very best to make them feel right at home._

_And, oh, that’s right - like I said, our new neighbours claim to be from a different reality than our own. They’re outrunning an unidentified and sinister horror, hellbent on destroying the universe. Sounds a bit like like the annual marathon through the Narrow Place, doesn’t it?_

_Anyway, that light that fell from the sky earlier is theirs, so anyone who was hoping it would be up for grabs at the Auction of Contraband and Seized Property will be disappointed. Better luck with the next unidentified object that falls at terrifying speeds into Night Vale city limits._

_The newcomers also warned Dana - I mean, Mayor Cardinal - that this entity following them would arrive in about a year, at which point it would do its very best to destroy everyone and everything we both love and fear. Honestly, I don’t know how she didn’t laugh in their faces. Have they never heard of Valentine’s Day? Have they never dealt with street cleaners? I think we’ll be juuuust fine, listeners._

_To be honest, this whole thing just reminds me of the time that individual who claimed to be from Mars - still not entirely sure what that is - showed up in town, yelling about the destruction of the moon. And everything turned out fine that time, didn’t it? Well, not entirely fine, the moon is still there after all, but it could have been worse. I wonder what he’s up to these days. He had excellent taste in hairstyles and dental composition._

_Now let’s take a look at this week’s horoscopes..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thrilling Adventure Hour reference, anyone?
> 
>  _Damn_ y'all, I wasn't expecting so many people to be on board with this, but it's awesome! I'm playing a bit fast and loose with WTNV canon - in reference to more current events, mostly - so I hope that won't throw anyone off toooo much.
> 
> And of course, thanks so much for reading!!


	3. When The Crew Meets The Neighbours

“Okay, let me get this straight. There were _kids_ in _glass cases_ sitting outside the City Hall?” Barry seems unsure as to whether he should believe them or not, but the looks on his friends’ faces has him leaning towards the former option. “Were they alive?”

“Never mind that,” Merle looks as incredulous as Barry, but for an entirely different reason. “They just gave you the Light? Just like that? No strings?”

Davenport shrugs. “None that we know of. Other than, you know...this,” he gestures around the ship vaguely.

The _Star Blaster_ is, for all intents and purposes, completely ransacked - courtesy of the Sheriff’s Secret Police. After the meeting with the mayor, Sheriff Sam had shown them to their new ‘home base’ - which turned out to be a large, empty yard beside a brightly lit area, fenced in and identified simply as ‘The Car Lot’ by a large sign at its entrance. Once they were parked, several of the officers had boarded the ship, searching everywhere and confiscating a confusing array of items, but most noticeably every food item made from wheat and -

“Wheat by-products too? My dudes, is this _really_ necessary?” Taako had been more than a little unhappy, arms crossed and scowl in place as he watched the officers haul boxes of cereal and loaves of bread off the ship - carefully contained in bags marked with numerous biohazard symbols. 

He hadn’t received an answer, and instead one of them gave Lucretia a stern warning that her pens would be seized once Poetry Week was over.

Evening is just starting to fall by the time the police finally leave, all bags of flour and Barry’s pocket calculator in tow. The crew is below deck in the mess hall, sitting together at the lone table since those who had gone to City Hall finally have a chance to fill in Merle and Barry about exactly what had happened. 

Merle leans back in his chair, seemingly deep in thought. “This still seems to have gone a little too well.”

“Speak for yourself,” Taako stands up from the table. “They didn’t take your precious plant collection, only half of our food supplies. And speaking of, I'm going to make dinner. I'm thinking pasta."

“But isn’t pasta a wheat product?” Magnus asks carefully. 

Taako rolls his eyes, giving an exaggerated sigh as he picks up a bag of sugar that had been thrown to the floor during the search. He grabs a handful and then lets it slip between his fingers, the tiny pieces noticeably finer, forming a tiny white cloud of flour as they fall. “Maggie, you should know by now that I have workarounds for missing ingredients,” he makes his way into the kitchen and out of sight, grumbling under his breath all the while. 

“He’s just annoyed that he actually has to work a little harder,” Lup offers cheerfully before standing as well, excusing herself before going to help her brother in the kitchen. The others continue to talk about the town they’ve found themselves stranded in for the next year.

“It presents a new problem for sure,” Davenport says, tapping a pen against the table rhythmically as he thinks - a habit to enjoy while he still can. “If things go south, and someone needs to fly the ship out of here, I’m not sure they’ll be able to.”

“What happens if we all end up dead because there’s no possibility of any of us escaping, if it comes to that?” Barry seems disturbed at the thought. 

Merle nods. “There’s more to this, there has to be. They must want something, or be watching us and -”

“Oh, they’re absolutely watching you. The Secret Police installed numerous cameras while they were here. In fact, there’s one under the table right now.” The voice that cuts Merle off is one they don’t recognise, and the fact that it belongs to no one sitting in the room has everyone on their feet in a second.

“Who’s there?” Magnus demands, reaching for a stray hatchet left amongst the clutter strewn across the floor. 

The voice gives a slightly indignant tsk. “I’m the Faceless Old Woman, I came to introduce myself and rearrange your spice cabinet - the fact that they’re not lined up alphabetically by last letter is already driving me crazy - but you’re being very rude.”

“You’re...faceless?” Lucretia asks carefully, as they all glance around quickly. They don’t see anyone, faceless or otherwise, and Magnus doesn’t lower the hatchet. “Where are you?”

“Standing beside you, if you bothered to _see_ and not just look you would know that.” 

Lucretia shifts uncomfortably, most definitely not seeing anyone on either side of her. “And why...why are you here?”

“I live here, secretly. I secretly live in every home in Night Vale. Although, it’s been an awfully long time since I’ve lived in any sort of ship. It’s nice, in the same sort of way that that first gasp of air after being held underwater for several minutes is nice.”

Barry is frowning, still looking around as he speaks. “How can you live in homes secretly? I mean, if you tell everyone what you’re doing, it’s not very secret, is it?”

Merle elbows him in the ribs, hard. “Okay Mr. Literal, let’s try not to antagonize the disembodied voice, hmm?”

The Faceless Old Woman sounds annoyed. “I’m not a ‘disembodied voice’, that would suggest I have no body when in fact -” 

It’s now her turn to be interrupted, by a rather undignified shriek coming from the kitchen, followed by what sounds like a small explosion - complete with smoke beginning to drift from the doorway a moment later. “Hmm, that seems like it could be interesting, I’m going to take a look. We’ll talk later.”

They don’t know whether she’s actually gone or not, but either way there’s little choice but to run for the kitchen. Inside, a frazzled Taako is staring at a small pile of ashes on the floor, wooden spoon held limply in one hand. Lup is also staring, wand still at the ready and pointing at the smoldering pile. “What the actual fuck, bro?”

“What she said. What happened in here?” Davenport is instantly in captain mode, taking in the rest of the scene once he’s sure Taako and Lup are unharmed. 

Taako begins to explain, waving the spoon around as he does so. “I left the bowl of dough on the counter while I went to find tomatoes for the sauce. Lup was over there, chopping the peppers,” he gestures across the room with the spoon. “When I got back, there were fucking _snakes_ in the mixing bowl!”

“And...and Lup dealt with that accordingly?” Davenport nods uncertainly towards the ashes, and the twins both nod in confirmation. 

“Man, why’d you turn the pasta dough into snakes?” Merle asks with pseudo-seriousness, never one to mind antagonizing when the voice is not disembodied. “Seems a bit overdramatic, even for you.”

Taako narrows his eyes, and a lesser dwarf would have shrunk another few inches under the glare. “It wasn’t me, dipshit.”

Lucretia steps between them. “We know it wasn’t you, Taako. Maybe this is why we aren’t supposed to have any wheat products?”

Everyone ponders that for a moment. It sound ridiculous, but then again...

“We could ask the Faceless Old Woman,” Magnus suggests, looking around quickly as though hoping a mention of her name would cause her to appear.

“Sorry, you’re going to ask _who_ now?” Lup stares at him, finally lowering her arm and pocketing her wand. 

“There’s this ghost or something, she -”

A knock on the main exit door of the ship echoes in the room. It’s a silent and unanimous decision that leads to all seven of them making their way towards the sound, and Magnus warily opens the door. His hatchet is still in his other hand, but he immediately lowers it when he sees who’s there.

“Hello, hello, I just wanted to welcome the new folks to the neighborhood. I’m Josie,” the woman is full of enthusiasm despite her apparent age, and seems harmless enough as she holds up a tray of steaming scones. She gestures behind her, and Magnus raises the hatchet again without thinking as everyone follows her gaze upwards. “And this is Erika, Erika, and Erika. They’re angels, they obviously exist despite what you might hear, and they’re very helpful - they measured out the ingredients for our baking today!”

“Holy shit,” Lup is the first one to speak, and neither Davenport nor Lucretia can bother to shush her as they all stare at the angels. They’re tall - very tall - with strangely elongated limbs and wings folded neatly against their bodies. One of them is holding a stack of orange ponchos.

Josie smiles at them all brightly. “I can imagine you might have a few questions. We’ll do our best to answer them over a scone or two, what do you say?”

“Right, right, of course!” Davenport seems to come back to his senses and takes a step back, gesturing for everyone else to do the same so Josie and the Erikas can step inside. “Please come in, ma’am!”

Josie leads the way back down towards the kitchen and mess hall area, despite the fact that she’s never set foot on the _Star Blaster_ before. She’s followed by the angels, hunched over so they don’t hit their heads on the roof, and finally by the ship’s crew, most still in a shocked semi-daze brought about by the newest arrivals. 

Soon everyone is more or less settled around the table again, and an Erika hands out a poncho and a booklet to each of the town’s newcomers. Josie politely requests plates for the scones, “and maybe some tea. And some cinnamon, if you’ve got some. It really brings it all together.”

Barry and Taako get up to retrieve the requested items, and the former returns a moment later with cups and a teapot. Taako takes a bit longer, but soon he’s back with the cinnamon in hand and a look of mild confusion on his face.

“So I know it’s like, _definitely_ not a big deal in the grand scheme of things right now, but who rearranged the spice cabinet?”

~

 _...so then I told him, “No, Steve, there is_ no way _that any of us are part of a much bigger picture, controlled by a higher power with our destinies determined strictly by the creativity of said power, paired with some statistics and lucky rolls of the dice, so to speak. Don’t be_ ridiculous _.”_

_Aaaanyway, Old Woman Josie and some of her friends went to meet the newcomers yesterday. She told me they seem nice, if not a little overwhelmed. But who can blame them? Those New Citizen Welcome Packets are such a slog to read through, though well worth it for anyone new to Night Vale. How else would they learn about the importance of the wheat and wheat by-products ban, or about the Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in all of our homes? Simple, straightforward stuff, but important nonetheless._

_At any rate, I’m sure they’ll be up to date and settled in in no time. I know there are a lot of people who would love to meet them soon. That’s something I’ve always loved about Night Vale - we’re such a welcoming bunch, whether new citizens like it or not. It brings about a real sense of community, you know?_

_And now let’s take a quick look at traffic..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very very grateful for the feedback in the last chapters. It's so reassuring to hear people are actually into this crazy little idea. Some of you have given me some awesome ideas that I'll definitely be trying to work in - thank you for that! 
> 
> And of course, thanks so much to everyone for reading!! Y'all the greatest.


	4. When The Crew Explores The Town

Mission Grove Park is a public recreation area not unlike many others the IPRE crew have seen over the last few decades. Marked pathways wind their way around small bunches of trees and several monuments commemorating this or that. Families have blankets spread on the grass to enjoy a sunny morning picnic. Some children have a game of baseball in session in one of the open areas. Only three people have yelled a drawn out and dramatic “Interlopers!” in their general direction. A group of people stand huddled near one of the park’s entrances, screaming unintelligibly and pointing towards an empty sky. 

Well, it’s a park not unlike many others they’ve seen, but it’s not _quite_ the same, either. 

But it’s still a convenient central meeting point, as it had been decided earlier they would break into two groups during their morning exploration of the town, in order to cover more ground.

“We’ll meet back here in five hours,” Davenport says to his crew, raising his voice to be heard over the screaming citizens and making a point not to look towards them again. They had seen several other people calmly walk around the seemingly terrified group and carry on without a second glance, and so had hesitantly decided to follow the locals’ lead and ignore them. “Any problems, and we have the Stones of Far Speech. Now, any other questions?”

There are none, and the crew prepares to go their separate ways. Taako, Lup, and Barry cross the street to head towards what looks like a more commercial area of the town, while the other four take a path that leads further into the park. Those watching the sky continue to point shaking fingers and shriek.

~

“...so yes, they’re strange, but I don’t think they’re intentionally dangerous,” Lucretia is saying, as the group makes their way along the trail through the park. 

With the screaming nearly out of earshot, it’s a pleasant enough walk, though it takes a bit of effort to ignore The Shape in Grove Park that No One Acknowledges or Speaks About. The Welcome Packets had had a small section titled “The Shape and Leland the Intern (May He Rest In Peace)”, and while none of them are sure what _exactly_ had happened to Leland, they know enough to not make a fuss over the Shape as it follows them from a short distance, blowing small whirlwinds their way once in awhile. 

Magnus is spinning his hatchet in a lazy circle as he walks, with a sort of nonchalance he no doubt hopes might double as mildly threatening. “Some of ‘em, maybe. The Mayor seemed fine, and Josie too, but what about the Sheriff? The Secret Police?” 

They pass a small bush that rustles indignantly. “We are not strange _or_ dangerous, thank you very much!”

Magnus chooses not to comment and instead lowers his voice to a - frankly still rather loud - whisper. “And what about this _thing_ behind us?”

In response the Shape’s colour changes from a pale purple to a vibrant and potentially threatening red, and the crew picks up the walking pace ever so slightly. 

~

“ _Big Rico’s Pizza_ ,” Lup reads the name of the building she finds herself standing in front of, alongside her brother and her Barry. “Well, nothing else has caught our attention yet -” she ignores Barry’s muttered reply that sounds suspiciously along the lines of something like _maybe that’s a good thing_ and continues. “Shall we give it a try, boys?”

Taako is glancing over the ads in the windows with equal parts interest and distrust. He reads one of the posters out loud, “ _Now with extra oregano, extra cheese, and extra mystery in every slice_...what do you suppose -”

The other two never find out what they’re meant to suppose because at that moment the door on the next building over swings open and several people wearing bright white lab coats walk out. At the front of the group is a man with a clipboard in one hand and a walkie-talkie in the other. His hair is black, with a touch of grey, and when he sees them he smiles widely. They can’t help but notice he has teeth like a military cemetery. 

The man quickly raises the walkie-talkie to his mouth. “Rachelle, pack up the equipment and head on back, we don’t have time for the followup on the electric conductivity of Khoshekh’s fur today. Something else has come up.” He pockets the walkie-talkie and waves enthusiastically towards the three of them, despite the fact they’re barely ten feet away. Barry hesitantly waves back after a moment, and the twins simply stare.

Unfazed, the man strides over to them, leaving his coworkers - all whispering to each other excitedly now - near the door. “I can’t believe this! We’ve heard so much about you on the radio, but I never thought we’d have the opportunity to meet so soon! This is so exciting!”

“Is it?” Lup asks carefully after half a moment. She notices Taako’s hand slowly reaching for the wand in his pocket, probably out of reflex more than anything else, so she smiles brightly back at the man as she simultaneously kicks her brother in the shin. He glares at her but drops his arm back to his side. 

The man doesn’t seem to notice at all. “Absolutely! New citizens don’t come along to Night Vale very often, and when they do they never make the sort of entrance you did. Your ship looks incredible, a scientific marvel, really. But we'll get to that later. I can’t wait for all the experiments we can do on you! Um, with you, I mean. Please, come in, come in!” He nearly runs back to the open door of the other building, waving them over even as he disappears through the doorway.

“Experiments...?” Barry glances over at the twins.

Lup seems to ponder for a moment before shrugging. “Sounds more exciting than anything else we've seen, doesn’t it?” Nevertheless, she lays a hand over her own pocket for a second, confirming her own wand is still there before making her way towards the building. Barry and Taako both sigh before moving to follow her through the door. 

“I still want to go to Big Rico’s after this...”

~

“Look! That sign says the dog park is that way!” They’ve reached the edge of Mission Grove Park, and Magnus points down the street, though all they can see is what looks like some sort of supermarket and then nothing but tall, black walls. 

“Mayor Cardinal said no one is allowed in the dog park,” Davenport reminds him pointedly.

“She didn’t say we can’t _look_ at the dogs, did she?” Magnus gives him a pleading look, and Davenport rolls his eyes.

“Fine, let’s go.”

As they reach the end of the street the supermarket is confirmed to be just that, a grocery store called Ralphs. The walls seem to be made of some kind of dark stone, solid and completely opaque. It extends along the rest of the block, turning at the corner marked by a sign as Earl Road and Somerset, and out of sight down that road. There’s a slight crackling sound, as if the wall is electrified.

“Alright Magnus, enjoy the dogs, I think I’ll be staying riiiiight here,” Merle glances up at the walls, high enough that they can barely see the top in the bright sunlight. 

“I don’t even see an entrance.” Lucretia raises a hand to shield her eyes as she looks down the street. “Hmm, maybe we could ask them?”

The others follow her gaze and see two figures at the corner of the street. They seem to be staring back, they’re facing towards the group, but it’s hard to know for sure since they can’t make out any features beneath the hoods they're wearing. 

“Excuse me!” Magnus takes a couple of steps towards the figures, who in turn move towards him as well, though they almost seem to be floating rather than walking. “We were wondering if there was anywhere we’d be able to see inside of the dog park?”

The figures pause, and then a loud sound like intermittent static begins to come from one of them. There are pauses and volume changes in the static, almost like some sort of attempted communication, but it’s completely lost on the group.

“Okay, well, thanks anyway, but I really think we should be going now.” Magnus gives them an uneasy grin and begins to turn back towards his friends. The hooded figures increase their pace towards him for a moment, both emitting the static sounds in a seemingly urgent fashion, but they stop almost as suddenly when a loud voice calls from across the street.

“They aren’t interested in politics or Poetry Week, leave them alone!”

The crew turns to see that the voice belongs to a young woman, likely still a teenager, a heavy book in one hand and the shriveled hand of...something...around her neck. The static stops, the figures turn to look in her direction before gliding away and around the corner of the dog park walls. The teen watches them go before making her way over to the group.

“Don’t pay them much mind. They can be pretty annoying, but they’re mostly harmless. As long as you’re not a baby...” she shrugs.

“What do they do to babies?” Davenport asks after a moment, having already decided be probably doesn’t want to know but needs to ask anyway.

“They just take them sometimes. Don't know why, or where to. I guess we all got used to that.” The girl shrugs again, and holds out a hand - her own, not the one around her neck - for them to shake. “I’m Tamika Flynn. You’re the new folks in town, right?”

Davenport introduces himself and his crew. As each of them shake her hand, she seems to be sizing them up. She nods to herself after a moment. “You look like a tough bunch, maybe you could help me out with something?”

“Sure kid, what did you have in mind?” Merle asks quickly, still keen to leave the dog park behind them. 

“The summer reading program is starting up in a few weeks and I like to get a head start on the recommended list. I’m still missing a few books and need to grab them from the library. I’d bring a few kids from the militia with me, but they’re in the middle of their finals and I know how important it is to focus during reading comprehension tests.”

“You want us...to help you take some books out from a library?”

She nods. “If you think you’re up for it.”

Magnus laughs. “Yeah, I think we could handle that.”

Tamika gives them a genuine smile, and they all return the expression. “Great. I think our chances of minimum fatalities are pretty good - last time we only lost three people.”

She had already turned around to lead the way down the street and towards the library, and so missed the smiles slowly disappearing from four suddenly uneasy faces at her words. 

~ 

_...and I know I promised a_ very _special guest for today’s Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner, but as I understand it, something, or rather, someones, came up and Carlos simply couldn’t_ wait _to run some experiments. Understandable, I suppose, if not disappointing. Science is nothing if not inexplicable and chaotic._

_At any rate, at least he’ll have lots to tell me about the newcomers over dinner tonight, and in turn I will have lots to tell you listeners during tomorrow’s show. I know he had some tests in mind for today’s show involving Khoshekh and electrical currents, maybe he’ll adjust them to apply to our newest citizens instead?_

_...another reminder from the Secret Police, the sudden growth in librarian population remains unexplained and unchecked, and everyone is urged to keep away from the library for the time being, lest they lose a membership card, a limb, a life, or worse._

_Let’s take a look now at the community calendar..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...hey y'all! If anyone's still out there...
> 
> I'm immensely sorry about the frankly horrendous gap between this update and the last. I am going to be staying put in one country for the foreseeable future and so will have much more free time to stay on top of this fic. Expect updates to be more frequent after the holidays - at the very least, no more six month waits...again, so damn sorry. 
> 
> In the interim, I hope people are still interested and enjoy! Thanks for reading!


	5. When The Crew Meets The Scientist

“So here’s the plan. I’m thinking it might be best if we all go together as a group, rather than splitting up. Guerilla tactics didn’t work so well last time, so maybe a display of our strength will put off any librarians roaming about. Of course, that's Plan B, with Plan A being no need for fighting at all. With any luck, we can get in, grab the books on my list - let’s go for the anthologies first, they’re heaviest if we need weapons - and get out again before any of them catch on. I’ll go first, and I think you, big guy - Magnus was it? - you should follow last. Alright, any questions before we go?”

Tamika is giving them a talk that sounds far too much like battle preparation for the crew to feel comfortable, as they all stand outside a tall iron fence which encircles a very ordinary looking library. They know well enough by now not to judge anything in this town by its appearance, but even so, a simple brick building doesn’t seem to match the sombre yet authoritative tone with which Tamika is speaking. 

“And...what if we do find a librarian?” Davenport asks, wanting his crew to be prepared for whatever was coming, and wondering if 'librarian' had a different meaning here than in any other reality they had visited so far. 

“Oh, you won’t.” Tamika sounds confident, and everyone relaxes a bit in spite of themselves. For a moment, anyway, because then she follows up with “If anything, it’s a librarian that will find you. And if that happens, aim for the eyes, I find the abdominal ones to be the most sensitive. That’ll throw them off more than if you hit any of the other ones.”

“Okay, okay, hold on,” Magnus raises his hands. “ _Abdominal_ eyes? What, exactly, is a librarian to you?”

Tamika laughs as though he’s told the punchline of a hilarious joke. “A nuisance, for sure. But don’t worry, I think we can handle it. Let’s go!”

~

In many ways, the laboratory that Taako, Lup, and Barry find themselves in reminds them of their time at the IPRE. The scientists milling around are all wearing white lab coats instead of red robes, but other than that the setting is almost comfortingly familiar. Those at work are calling out numbers or other results once in awhile and jotting down notes on clipboards. Many of them are standing around beakers of various sizes as they rest on burners, or scales, or, in one case, something that looks like an ordinary mantel clock. None of the three bother to comment on that. There’s an antique-looking radio sitting on a desk in one corner, though it’s quiet at the moment. A huge whiteboard takes up a majority of the far wall, covered in scribbles and equations on one side and a partially filled out chart on the other. For most intents and purposes, it seems a mostly unremarkable science lab, and -

“This place is amazing!” Barry is glancing around, not at all trying to hide his excitement, his apprehension from outside already entirely gone.

The man with perfect hair and perfect teeth claps him on the back warmly. “Isn’t it?! I’m pretty fond of it myself!”

“Right, so, you run this place?” Taako manages to keep his expression much more indifferent than Barry had, while Lup seems somewhat torn between the two reactions.

“I do!” The man doesn’t seem capable of any emotion calmer than barely-contained enthusiasm, but the smile does drop from his face for half a moment as he pauses. “I’m sorry, I haven’t even introduced myself. Sometimes I just get carried away! Love for the job, you know? I’m Carlos the Scientist!” His smile is back in place as he extends a hand for them to shake. 

“Your last name is The Scientist?” Taako asks, as seriously as he can manage, but he doesn’t get a response because Barry is already shaking Carlos’ hand.

“Great to meet you, really, this is so cool. I’m Barry - Barry the Scientist!”

“Oh, wonderful, taking the man’s last name already. So sorry for your loss, Lulu,” Taako whispers to his sister, who in turn sighs deeply with mock sorrow.

“You’re scientists too? Terrific!” Carlos turns to the twins, and Lup takes his hand next.

“Lup, the...Scientist? I might prefer Arcanist, though. If we want to get specific.”

“And I’m Taako, The One Who’s Not All That Into Labels.”

Carlos shakes both of their hands with equal enthusiasm. “It is exceptionally exciting to meet you all. Now, where should we start?”

“What’s up with this clock?” Barry asks, as he’s taken a few steps over to the table holding the item in question. Upon closer inspection, the clock seems to be oozing a sort of grey paste, and is apparently giving off some amount of heat as the liquid inside the beaker has only just begun to bubble.

“Oh, it’s fascinating, actually!” Carlos stands beside him and peers down at the ooze, which has dripped onto the top of the table. There’s a slight sizzling sound as it begins to eat through the table’s finish. “You see, a few years ago something strange started happening with all the clocks in town...”

The radio on the desk crackles to life, but no one seems to pay it much mind. 

_“Welcome back from the Minute of Silent Introspection, listeners! This week, that minute was actually thirty seven minutes long, courtesy of our sponsors. Thanks, Nintendo! I hope you all found it as relaxing - no, enlightening - as I did. Now back to the news...”_

“As you can imagine, all of the clocks leaking corrosive ooze was just a liiiiittle bit of an inconvenience, not to mention made it a pain just to figure out the time. And wrist watches were just the worst, they never gave any warning! I saw some pretty nasty chemical burns, not to mention poor Megan Wallaby...”

Barry, Lup, and Taako are listening to his story with varying degrees of interest and horror as the ooze continues to destroy the table and the radio continues speaking to an inattentive audience. 

_“I’ve just received word that local vigilante hero and avid advocator of both book clubs and books as clubs, Tamika Flynn, has taken some of the newcomers into the library not twenty minutes ago. I mean, if anyone can handle the librarians it’s Tamika, but was it the best idea to bring a bunch of unseasoned strangers there?”_

“And the Invisible Clock Tower! Let me tell you, invisibility and teleportation are two things you do not want to be in collaboration with caustic slime. What a mess! And always a surprise, never knew which roof or road was going to be burned through next.”

Barry is peering down at the table intently, the heat from the beaker steaming up his glasses. Carlos, not missing a beat of his story, hands him a pair of safety glasses which he gratefully accepts and swaps for his own. Carlos puts on another pair, offers one more to Lup (who accepts), and then Taako (who declines, saying he’s going to check out some of the other tables instead), all the while informing them of the time the clock tower’s ooze burned through the roof of the public school’s gym. “The Glow Cloud - all hail - was _not_ happy about that...”

_“Maybe it would have been better to start with someplace a little simpler, like the post office or the dog park...oh well, I’m sure they’ll be fine, and I hope they enjoy their time at one of our town’s most iconic locations. You know what they say, the best way to see a new place is with a local. It’s either that, or with a locust, I can never remember which.”_

“But it’s all cleared up now, mostly, just an occasional case here or there these days. This one came from Diane Crayton’s house, belonged to her grandmother, sat on a shelf for twenty years. Content as could be until it started leaking last week. Left a sizeable hole in her couch, unfortunately. It’s great to have an isolated event like this though, we can run our tests without needing to worry about being called out for a dozen other cases.” Carlos lets out a deep breath as he concludes and he smiles at them. “Isn’t it incredible?”

Lup simply nods, clearly intrigued but still moderately horrified, but Barry looks up with an expression set to match Carlos’ enthusiasm. “I’ve never seen anything like it! And we - well, you could say we’ve seen a lot. What have you done so far?”

“Well right now we’re just observing how it reacts in different conditions.” Carlos starts listing variables off on his fingers. “We’ve done heat, cold, radiation, silence, jazz music, more radiation -”

“And what’s this one?” Lup gestures to the beaker. 

“Oh this? It’s just Dave heating up water for his instant noodles. It’s nearly his lunch break.”

_“Another update, everyone! Tamika and company are already out of the library, everyone accounted for and almost entirely intact! A much nicer ending compared to the last library expedition I had to report. They were so young...in other news, Earl Harlan over at Tourniquet is planning a series of cooking classes to start in the upcoming weeks, and we’ve got him here to give us all the details! What’s new with you, Earl?...”_

Taako, who had been keeping himself occupied at a table covered in what seems to be either finished or abandoned projects, holds up an ordinary-looking umbrella. “What’s up with this?”

Carlos looks up from the clock. “Oh! That’s my Fireproof Umbrella.”

Taako raises an eyebrow, glancing pointedly down at the item in question. “Come again?”

“It’s an umbrella. But fireproof. I thought the name was self-explanatory enough but maybe I’ll need to revisit that. Anyway, I came up with the idea years ago, but never had any opportunity to test it out. Then I came to Night Vale, and let’s just say it’s been handy for getting to work during the biannual firestorms.”

Lup’s ears perk up at the numerous mentions of fire. “That plain old thing, completely fireproof?”

Carlos looks proud of himself. “Completely.”

“ _Completely_?”

He looks slightly put off at the tone in her voice. “Well...yes?”

Barry knows what’s going to happen just a second too late. “Lup, maybe don’t -”

She’s already reaching into her pocket. “Taako, open ‘er up.”

She needn’t have said anything though, because Taako had already done so with a near gleeful expression as soon as she’d had the "completely fireproof" confirmed.

There’s a near blinding light as a fireball, several feet across and bright white, shoots across the room from the end of Lup’s wand to the umbrella Taako is holding outwards. There’s a loud bang upon impact, but it’s quickly replaced by a hissing sound as the fire seems to evaporate like water on the surface of the umbrella. 

Lup is suitably impressed, and pockets the wand. “It really is completely fireproof. Nice going, Carlos The Scientist!”

Barry risks a glance around the lab. No one is moving (save for Taako who is inspecting the umbrella with much interest), and they’re all staring at Lup. Carlos’ mouth is hanging open and he has a hand over his heart. Barry smiles at him weakly. “Guess we shoulda confirmed whether or not magic was a ‘thing’ here first, huh? But listen, I promise we aren’t dang-”

Carlos suddenly seems to come back to life, letting out a loud cheer and punching the air. “I can’t believe it! I’ve never been able to test it with temperatures like that, but look at that! _Completely fireproof_! I did it!” He stops, as though reconsidering all that happened in the last thirty seconds, before turning to Lup. “And _you_!”

Lup looks far from concerned, but raises her hands in a surrendering motion all the same. “Couldn’t resist, but it won’t happen again, I promise.”

“Are you kidding?! That was amazing! One of the greatest things I’ve ever seen! You _have_ to do it again!” 

Several of the other scientists have already approached Lup, chattering excitedly as they ask questions and take notes. Carlos quickly joins them, declaring something about all of the new tests they’re going to have to make time for. 

Barry sighs and makes his way over to Taako, joining him in the umbrella inspection. “You know that could have killed you,” he points out offhandedly, touching the umbrella with one finger. It’s already cool to the touch. “If this thing wouldn’t have worked, I mean.”

Taako shrugs, closing the umbrella and tossing it back on the table with the nonchalance of someone who did not just have a fireball thrown at them. “He’s got a nice face. Like, a trustworthy one, I mean. And she wouldn’t have done it if she didn’t think so too. We knew it was gonna be fine, Barold.”

There’s a knock at the door, and Carlos excuses himself from the crowd around Lup to open it. On the other side is a young woman that Barry and the twins have never seen, and four others they’ve seen every day for twenty seven years. They’re all looking rather worse for wear - Magnus has a nasty scrape down the side of his face and Davenport is favouring one arm, but they’re all in one piece. The one in front of the group is carrying a bulky, heavy-looking duffel bag over one arm. 

Carlos smiles at her brightly. “Tamika! What a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?” He steps aside so they can all shuffle in. 

“We’re just here for a few shots of librarian antidote, Carlos. Some of us here aren’t quite quick enough to avoid all of those fangs.” She looks at Magnus almost accusingly, and he in turn looks suitably offended. 

“I was protecting people, _Tamika_.”

“There’s no need to rush in to everything, _Magnus_. Sometimes, stealth is key.”

Carlos is already pulling a tray of vials out of a cupboard, and he gestures for the new arrivals to line up behind a chair he pulls out from a table. “Alright, who’s first? Everyone should have a dose, just in case. I’d give the ‘prevention is key’ speech, but it seems a little late for that, doesn’t it?”

“What happened to you guys?” Barry asks worriedly as he, Lup, and Taako make their way over to their friends. 

Merle sighs deeply and shakes his head. “Librarians.”

Taako nods slowly. “Right...might want to give the short one’s head a check too, think he’s finally lost it.”

Merle moves to carry out a half-hearted but well-placed kick to the shin, but Taako avoids him with the grace of someone with several dozen years of practice. 

“He’s serious,” Lucretia informs them, looking possibly better than the rest of them, save for several sets of small puncture marks in her arm. “They call them librarians, but they’re...not?”

“Of course they are.” Carlos finishes giving Magnus the injection of pale blue liquid. “They deal with book returns and everything.”

Lucretia shrugs and takes a seat to get the next shot. “From what I could see when we weren’t running or fighting, they _did_ have an impressive collection.”

“That’s the spirit!” Tamika beams at her before hoisting the duffel bag higher on her shoulder. “Now I’ve got to get going, but we’ll be in touch. Thanks again!” She waves as she heads back through the door. 

Carlos finishes patching everyone up to the best of his ability (Merle insists he'll do the rest back at the ship), and soon the crew are all standing at the front door as well.

“Well, Carlos, this has certainly been...an afternoon, and we will have to do it again sometime.” Barry sounds absolutely sincere, about the last part at least. 

“Of course! You’re welcome back here anytime. In fact, I insist! We have so much to investigate and explore.” He taps a finger to his lips in thought. “Not tomorrow, I’ve got to get to the station, and there’s bowling in the evening...oh! You’ve all _got_ to come to bowling league! It’ll be great, and you can meet the team. And Cecil! He’ll be so excited, you’ve got to come!”

No one has the heart to say no, or even to ask what bowling is, so Barry accepts the invitation on behalf of them all. Carlos gives them a place (“The Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex”) and time (“seven sharp, no excuses, unless your clocks start leaking ooze...that’s a little science joke”) before waving them off with several more goodbyes as he closes the door. The group starts making their way slowly back towards the _Star Blaster_. They’re halfway home when Magnus finally voices the other question they’d all been silently wondering.

“Who’s Cecil?”

~

 _“...so then I said to him, don’t you know who I_ am _? That’s_ my _name, on_ that _sign,_ right _there. And, he didn’t know, and I didn’t want to push the subject, so I just parked one space over, in Station Management’s spot instead. I don’t think they have a car, so I don’t think they’ll mind. I hope they won’t mind...anyway! We’ve got another special guest today, welcome Mayor Cardinal!”_

_“Hi Cecil. How are things at the station these days?”_

_“Oh they’re great, just great. As routine and ominous as ever.”_

_“I understand completely.”_

_“I know you do, better than most. Now, you mentioned in your email you wanted to drop by to give an important announcement?”_

_“That’s right. Citizens of Night Vale, this is an official announcement from the office of the mayor. I know you’re all well aware of the long, long, loooong list of people, things, and places we need to avoid, and for the time being we need to add one more. The hooded figures that are often found near the dog park have been showing increasing levels of aggression, in some cases going to previously unseen lengths to gain the attention of passersby. It would be in the best interest of everyone to just stay clear of them entirely when possible for the foreseeable future.”_

_“Hmmm, increased activity from the hooded figures. That doesn’t sound good. Any possible reasons for this happening?”_

_“We have no solid theories yet, but Sheriff Sam and a few others are already looking into it.”_

_“It’s so strange, isn’t it? I mean, even if they do manage to keep someone’s attention, what are they going to talk about? Nothing but static from them...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so literally years ago I saw this little post on Tumblr that was something about Carlos making a fireproof umbrella and how everyone thought it was stupid until he got to Night Vale. It was absolutely necessary that it show up in a story with Lup and Taako and fireballs. I really wish I could remember who posted that so long ago, but whoever you were, thanks ever so much for the post that has apparently stuck with me for years. I loved it a lot. 
> 
> Speaking of, let's be [tumblr](http://obvious-apostate.tumblr.com/) friends y'all. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading!!


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